Saturday, December 12, 2009

This Just In #7

Superman Condemned by IPCC
DP - Metropolis

The International Panel on Climate Change today scolded the Man of Steel for his role in global warming. "Through his excessive use of heat vision, our computer models calculate that Superman's own cumulative contribution to global warming over the past five decades has been a full 0.6 degrees Centigrade, nearly a third of the total estimated warming in that same time period."

Scientists understand little of the last Kryptonian's physiology, but they do know that his great strength and speed, the gift of flight, and his heat vision all derive from his body's unique ability to store the energy released by our sun.

Since Superman has been fighting crime so long and in so many different locations around the world, it has been difficult to track how many times he has used his heat vision. But the best estimates indicate he uses the superpower an average of 3.1 times per day, at an average released energy of 43 gigajoules per use, approaching nearly 50,000 terajoules annually. By comparison, the Hiroshima bomb dropped in 1945 released approximately 60 terajoules.

"Superman's considerable impact on crime has been without a doubt monumental," continues the IPCC press release. "But we call on him to minimize the use and the output power of his heat vision so that we can all look forward to an environmentally stable and crime free world in the future."

Superman could not be reached for comment.

1 comment:

  1. After much waiting....well, to be honest I am a little let down.


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