Monday, March 13, 2006

This Just In #3*

The United Trinitarian Homespun Progressive Luminary First Church of Humanology has begun sales of its new Customeasure Concept Stick.

For the price of anywhere between $0.01 and infinity, you can receive unspecified quantities of this revolutionary new device.

For generations, so-called scientists have applied the rigid, unforgiving, and intolerant forms of metres, litres, and kilograms. Even these relatively new standards are spinoffs of the older yet still misguided concepts of inches, quarts, and pounds.

Progessives in the realm of measuring had high hopes with the announcement of the Second Measuring Council in the 1960's, but those hopes have ultimately not been fulfilled.

So the UTHPEFCoH has created its own standards. More accurately put, we're letting you create the standards now. Are you called short with a height of 5'3"? Well, no more. Now you can be a full 6 feet tall, or even 1000 feet tall, just by comparing yourself against the Customeasure Concept Stick.

Skeptical? Here's an example of how it works. Under the out-of-touch definitions of yesteryear, 2 inches were equal to 5.08 centimeters:




Most opinion polls confirm that the majority of people don't want external standards applied in their lives. So one possible application of the Customeasure Concept Stick is to tweak the old standards to a more modern definition:



Insecure guys, this is the one for you! Wink wink, nudge nudge!

But that's not all the Customeasure Concept Stick can do. Feeling adventurous or inspired? Or just tired of the outdated definitions of Inches and Millimeters? Come up with your own standards with our Templation line. You're the boss - fill in the blanks as the need arises!



Some people object to any sort of arbitrary standards of measurement. Why must we compare apples to apples? After intense dialogue with many different groups opposed to the traditional, conservative concepts of universal standards, we developed our flagship Clever Whatever standard. This is an inclusive, build-to-order model available to anybody for... whatever!



In addition to measuring distance, also check out our volume and weight section. Don't have enough sugar to finish making those cookies? No problem! Just use a Customeasure Approxicup and blammo! - you have enough now. [Note: please don't tell your friends that you used our product to help prepare those cookies.] Have you outgrown your favorite jeans? Simply (gingerly) hop onto the Customeasure Scaletastic and they should fit afterwards. [Note: if they don't, then you used it wrong.]

Don't hesitate to act on this offer. If history repeats itself, our products will soon be overwhelmed by a revival of archaic standards again.

1 comment:

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