Sunday, January 22, 2006

This Just In #2*

Paul Martin's Liberals are making a last ditch effort to voters, with a Conservative win seeming inevitable on Monday.

"We know that Canadians are aware of the imperfections of our party, and that they want to hold us to task for the mistakes of the Chretien government. All indications are pointing to a Liberal Opposition," he acknowledged to a crowd of party faithful in Vancouver Saturday night. "But let me make one thing perfectly clear. My government was not involved in any of those scandals. This is a new era in Canadian politics."

He appealed again to red Tory, NDP, and Green party voters, saying, "Give us one more chance. Even if Canada wishes to hold the Liberal Party to another minority, we'll accept the will of the people. All we ask is for a bit of time to control the House of Commons, to go in and dig through the financial records, and to correct any irregularities we find."

As he said this, several of his aides behind him at the podium looked at each other uncomfortably. One of them approached Martin and whispered something in his ear, but Martin gave him a stern look and he went back to his place.

"Even if you won't give us the honour of forming the government again, we ask for a 1-day mandate to go back to the government offices and straighten out some issues we left behind. After all, we thought we'd be going back anyway when this campaign began. But fundamentally, we will accept the will of Canadian voters, if you allow us one day - even one hour - to go tie up some loose ends."

At this several of his aides attempted to strongarm him away from the podium, but he punched one in the face and kneed another in the groin before they backed down.

"Even if you don't give us an hour - five minutes is all we ask. There are some pressing needs we have to attend to... including removing all the S and H keys from the computer keyboards. But all kidding aside, even thirty seconds should do it. Just enough time to pull some files and shred them, or to log on to the network and delete certain data, that's all we ask."

At that point, a naked man streaked through the audience, wearing a Stephen Harper mask and waving a Conservative flag, shouting, "Vote for me! I'll abolish gay marriage and abortion, I'll institute a draft and send troops to Vietnam, I'll outlaw everything in Leviticus, I'm Stephen Harper!"

Several witnesses identified the man as the same Martin aide who had been silenced earlier.

When the commotion died down and the RCMP had taken the man into custody, Paul Martin had left the podium.

Moral of the story: don't give them a chance to tidy up the books, Canada.

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